it's 3:30 in the afternoon and i am sitting on my bed eating cocoa puffs right out of the box. i really prefer my cereal with milk but i've been planning on making a grocery run for the last three days and still haven't managed to get around to it. currently the entire contents of my fridge consist of hot fudge, caramel sauce, plain yogurt, a few withered clementines, and coconut coffee creamer. looks like yogurt for dinner!
i was about to watch an episode of party of five: season 1, which i have borrowed from my mother, but decided to blog instead. it's been quite a while as i've felt for quite some time that i have nothing interesting to say. perhaps this is not interesting either.
it's disappointing and amusing to me to realize that even in my current state of life where i am beholden to no one and nothing, and all of my time is my own, i still feel the same old twangs of regret, longing, and restlessness. i've learned that situational happiness is really all about attitude, not circumstance. it is indeed possible to have joy in suffering, and alternately dissatisfaction in seeming perfection. i have all this time and yet i have not written more than a few words, read any books at all, learned to play the guitar, looked at more art, learned another language, forged any new relationships or significantly deepened existing ones. it's frustrating to see myself continually pushing away these lofty goals in exchange for hours watching TV or refreshing my facebook page to see if by chance anyone has thought of me. frustrating that desire for change does not bring about change.
the only thing i can really be proud of is my increased physical activity. lots of long walks, hot yoga, and i've even been nursing an odd, old desire to run again. still, even in this i am unsatisfied. i nag myself to sharpen my mental self in concurrence with the physical. in a way i miss the long, lonely days of teenagerhood when there was no internet and no one to call and therefore the best way to spend time was to read several books a week or write letters out on the grass behind the house or down at the marina.
i guess i just feel like i'm not living up to my potential. like paul i can't stand how i do the things i do not wish to do and vice versa. anyway. thoughts for a very chilly spring afternoon.
