enough

i wish i had what i needed
to be on my own
'cause i feel so defeated
and i'm feeling alone.
and it all seems so helpless
and i have no plans
i'm a plane in the sunset
with nowhere to land.
and all i see
it could never make me happy
and all my sand castles
spend their time collapsing...

let me know that You hear me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me
and let that be enough.

it's my birthday tomorrow
no one here could know
i was born on a thursday
twenty-two years ago.
and i feel stuck
watching history repeating
yeah, who am i
just a kid who knows he's needy...

let me know that You hear me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me
and let that be enough.

(switchfoot)

oscars 2009

in the major categories, everyone i wanted to win, did.

congratulations milk, penélope, heath, kate, sean, danny, and slumdog millionaire.
i never get tired of this stuff.
i love it.

hermes/mercury

um...i want these shoes:


(jeremy scott for adidas originals by originals)

ms. bristow

i'm running away again.


this time to the ends of the earth.

i heard a descriptive phrase yesterday...'chronic dissatisfaction.' hm.

still, not yet

"Healthy people radiate energy; their skin and eyes shine. I open a sluggish eye each morning, thinking, 'What fresh hell is this?' I brighten up only after the second latte. Do healthy people do that? No. They bounce from bed and shout, 'Yes, I can!' or 'Bring it on!'"
(Vicki Woods, January 2009 Vogue)

hahahahaha.

tomorrow is hot yoga, class 2. i am loving how much i can sweat.

no books yet

"When nothing is decided, the space between two lives is infinite. I was barely me anymore. I felt so young and so empty you could see right through me."
(Joan Juliet Buck, December 2008 Vogue)

"there's something about sunday nights..."

well, hello.

i've been absent for quite some time...i'm tempted to say because nothing of interest has been going on in my life, but that would be untrue. life continues rushing over, around, through, and i am carried on the tide. something about today, the quiet grey, the snow flurries, and sad music on the radio...lines of poetry i can't remember anymore, the dark unfolding, the stillness of the house, the desire for sleep: it's got me all reflective and resolute. so, starting tomorrow:

*i will drink at least 64oz of water each day
*i will wash my face every night before bed
*i will polish up the resume (so my father doesn't continue to worry)
*i will start reading a book, then another, then another, then another, then another
*i will write in my journal every morning (it was lost for three weeks)
* i will keep my room tidy

these are simple things that will, hopefully, create some order in my life...some rules to follow, some purposeful action, that will then begin to seep into the drive behind grander purposes...meaning, dear reader, it is with a heavy heart that i admit the honeymoon is over. it's back to the real world for me. i need to find a job, and be responsible again, and carry my portion of the weight of the world.

i've been watching a few episodes of my so-called life as time permits. that brian krakow is so freaking adorable. i'd like to think i saw past his nerdiness the first time around but i think i remember the magnetic pull of jordan catalano like every other flannel-clad teenage girl at the time. rickie made me cry then and makes me cry now. i can't remember how it all ends...two discs left.

















there have been many things to celebrate in '09 already...three weddings in a row for starters. sarah lytle and matthew dickerson, kelley riggio and gregg brown, caroline matthias and mike cobb. the birth of sweet hazel mae roundhill. the kickoff of the LBC winter season (the new retreat center/TCL building is gorgeous...and the fellowship is the sweetest anywhere.) in other news, after years of searching, i finally found the perfect brown boots at anthropolgie. i bought a purple marc jacobs purse. i am still looking for the perfect grey skinny jeans.

this week i look forward to slumdog millionaire, my first foray into hot yoga, lots of long walks in the winter air, reading up on Oscar odds...and more to be revealed i'm sure. dreaming up schemes for the next year filled with the washington coast, canada, the midwest, los angeles, san francisco, minneapolis, washington DC, new york, scotland, dubai, costa rica, greece & turkey. (believe it or not, opportunities for all...if only i can fund it.)

time to rein in these scattered, silly thoughts. i have been so blessed, i do have hope, and look forward to whatever is waiting on the other side of this corner i'm rounding.

hôtel de glace

"ah, bleak and chill the wintry wind..."

but no snow. yet.

i sit and wait in the dim light, in my warm house, where the air smells like freshly baked sugar cookies and the singers unlimited sing to me (my favorite 1970's a capella german quartet. look them up. the essential hanson family christmas album.)

in browsing old unread e-mails i came across a offer for a weekend stay at the hôtel de glace in quebec:























everything is made of snow and ice, even the chandeliers, the beds, the chairs, the glasses and plates in the dragon bar. everything but the blazing fire stoves and (what looks like) the caribou skins to wrap up in. breathtaking! i think i need to learn french.

...and he sings.

aimee mann + john krasinSKAY

faithful friends...

This just may be the best card you receive all season. HO HO HA!!

hahaheehaheh.

i had to laugh this morning because the first thing i saw when i looked in the mirror was this:















...which immediately reminded me of this:


















beth ellen hansen, aka "mouse". or, harriet m. welsch's best friend in the summer months, according to louise fitzhugh's the long summer (sequel to harriet the spy.) this book still makes me laugh out loud. zeeney and wallace. jessie mae the preacher's daughter. bunny, the hotel piano player. hee!


















it's another rainy day and for me it will be a reading day. and then tonight, venturing out to see my favorite singer-songwriter in fremont. quietness and solitude do contain their own kind of fun.

my perfect rainy day song

"these days"
written by jackson browne
covered by many artists, including nico for the royal tenenbaums soundtrack (surprise!)
it plays when margot gets off the green line bus to greet richie for the first time in three years.
if you think it's somewhat melancholy, you're quite right.

i've been out walking,

i don't do too much talking these days.

these days...

these days i seem to think a lot

about the things that i forgot to do.

and all the time i had the chance to...

i've stopped my rambling.

i don't do too much gambling these days.

these days...

these days i seem to think about

how all the changes came about my ways...

and i wonder if i'll see another highway.

i had a lover,

i don't think i'll risk another these days.

these days...

and if i seem to be afraid

to live the life that i have made in song...

it's just that i've been losing so long.

i've stopped my dreaming,

i won't do too much scheming these days.

these days...

these days i sit on cornerstones

and count the time in quarter tones to ten.

please don't confront me with my failures,

i have not forgotten them.

an historic day

president elect barack obama, future first lady michelle obama, and modern american princesses sasha and malia obama.

jesus.

The first time I heard this Sufjan Stevens song it was on one of the OC soundtracks. It was a Seth + Summer love song. Ridiculous! But I love it. So simple. So glad to serve a God who knows the pain of being human.

i'd swim across lake michigan
i'd sell my shoes
i'd give my body to be back again
in the rest of the room

to be alone with you

you gave your body to the lonely
they took your clothes
you gave up a wife and a family
you gave your ghost

to be alone with me

you went upon a tree
to be alone with me
you went upon a tree

i've never known a man who loved me...